How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Breaking news:
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…