[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.