Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is