*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
You Might Also Like
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank