Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.