welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
You Might Also Like
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE