i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
That’s what I call a flat tire