I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone鈥檚 mouth.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take the booth then
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I didn鈥檛 say I don鈥檛 believe in god, I鈥檓 just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it鈥檚 time to sleep, but what鈥檚 more exciting than getting to sleep?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I am a:
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 gooseLooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 bread
I鈥檓 no candle in the wind. I鈥檓 a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
CIA Agent: First you鈥檙e gonna cry, then you鈥檙e gonna talk
Me: I鈥檒l never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.