I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Planet of the Apps.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.