Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
You Might Also Like
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.