*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
This guy’s not having it 😆
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.