I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Animal poetry
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta