My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?