I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*