Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
You Might Also Like
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone