When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Looking at you, Jesus.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Happy Caturday!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.