Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
me as a parent
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Important reminders
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.