professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Encore…
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I was bored.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself