Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
And they lived apathetically ever after.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars