This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I gave up going to work for lent.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“no gods no masters” = leo
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese