The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.