I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]