Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?