Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
i’m sure it’s fine
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.