I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“The Perfect Relationship”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Previously On Persistence 😎
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great