Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one