Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me