when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.