“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Growing out my freckles.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Ken is short for chicken
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.