[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.