My work here is don’t.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.