Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Smooooooth
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
White Castle for the Win
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck