[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Worth the read.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*