Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.