if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro