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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?