Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
The real reason evolution started..😂
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.