ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
This will never not be funny 😭
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Omg 🤣
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I saw this ending much differently.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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