Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Is….Is this an option?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
A small tragedy.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.