I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.