7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
the official breakfast of 2021
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.