Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time