if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me