Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.