Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.