wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.