Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My safe word is Worcestershire
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
This could be us… but you playing
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
one last job
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them