i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.