A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
You Might Also Like
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname