One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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oh shit
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools